did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
kristin has been a bad kristin
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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