Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
