Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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