We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
