2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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