I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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