do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
