I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
