So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
