In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
