there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
