then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
