You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
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Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
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We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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