You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
