Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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