I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
