I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
