my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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