Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
