I hate your face
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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