yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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