im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
