fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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