The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
