He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
