I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
