we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
