Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
