i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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