It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
