Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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