You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
we should paint friendship bongs
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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