This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Who put my cat in the fridge?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
