we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
