Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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