My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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