I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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