I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
