I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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