I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
