shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
