Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
