Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
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I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
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I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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