Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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