Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
