a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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