If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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