WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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