I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
