I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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