hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
