Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
