as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
