What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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