quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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