When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I need mimosas to revive my soul
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
