lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
