youre lurking in front of me
I faked an abortion last night.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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