so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
