fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
