please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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